“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but
not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down,
but not destroyed.” –2 Corinthians 4:8-9
How is it possible to experience the deepest sorrow and the greatest joy all at the same time? This truly baffles my mind and heart and yet it is my story.
Since I was seventeen, I have suffered loss by choice or by death, every five to six years. I know what it is to grieve. I know what it is to suffer in pain and agony. I used to think if I suffered the great loss of my husband, I wouldn’t be able to withstand that kind of pain. He was my best friend, my lover of 22 years and my example of living a life with Jesus.
On March 10, 2017 one of my biggest fears became my reality.
The phone call.
The reality that my life had been forever changed in a moment.
My family was in a horrible, violent car accident on March 10th. My teenage son was driving our SUV. As he began passing a semi-truck on the highway, he lost control. The car swerved heavily back and forth until the vehicle barrel rolled down the highway three to four times. There were three boys in the car, our chocolate lab and my husband. Everyone walked away with a broken bone and some scratches but my husband died within ten minutes. The Lord ushered him home to Heaven, with an off duty EMT by his side.
Today is day 40. I have been a widow and my kids have been fatherless for fourty days.
Fourty days of the deepest sorrow.
Fourty days of the most intense joy.
This is the greatest collision of emotions I have ever known.
God has shown Himself faithful through this entire situation. He has carried me through the incredible sorrow each day, so that I am not destroyed by it. I can feel Him putting each foot in front of the other as I mourn. The kids and I allow all the grief and all the joy to coexist in our days. We cry, we laugh and we trust that Jesus knows the plan. We aren’t shoving our grief to the side but watching the Lord use our sorrow to help others who are suffering. Every day, I receive messages from people sharing what God has shown them through our tragedy and the stories we share of God’s mercy. People are watching our family mourn first hand but also rejoicing in the Lord, our Savior because He is moving in them too!
How do we walk in victory when our very foundation has been rocked?
What do we do with all our emotions that collide inside our hearts?
We face the fear, the sadness and the grief while leaning on the Lord each step of the way. We remember that Christ died so that we could live!! My husband is with the Lord rejoicing in Heaven because Christ gave him eternal life. I rejoice in this truth!!
After the chaplain gave me the news, “I am so sorry ma’am, but your husband didn’t make it”…I was numb and like a zombie. I couldn’t think or talk or process losing my best friend, my husband and my kids’ daddy. But days later, I remember telling the kids, “We have two choices. We can either trust that God is who He says He is and walk with Him through this…OR…we can roll over and quit, letting the enemy win. I choose to trust God, do you??”
When you face the greatest collision of your life, who will you trust?
“The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.” –Psalm 28:7